Longing

More than anything I wanted to go to medical school— I also wanted to take Religion as a major— I was raised Catholic, but not really a strong believer in the “walk 1000 miles on your knees repenting” attitude of most religions— I always was more of a “let the soft animal of your body love what it loves” follower.  I was pulled to understanding more than anything in both aspects.

I wanted knowledge, how does the body work, and where did my body come from…. it was a longing and I thought I could find it in text books and find it in teachers who were more studied, more clear— because I was super fucked up.

I graduated high school, had filled out all the applications for college, and after years of being told I was nothing, I had someone (a boy) tell me I was something, and when I looked at him I believed it as much as he did— he was purely magical to me— he was in the military, a protector— I longed for a protector, someone to remove the stigma of being an abused child, a fatherless child, a daughter of alcoholism and narcissism— in reality I had a path predestined for me— drugs, alcohol and being beaten by some man in order to squish the last ounce of wonder out of me— instead I met and loved desperately for three weeks and in that three weeks I became a mother, I just didn’t know it for eight months.  And instead of medical school and the study of religion I went to Earth School and Earth School is fucking hard school— and I went to work at a hotel which was run by a Mormon company— I worked for them for 18 years and they taught me how to be a mother, a caring loving mother because they patterned for me kindness, generosity and compassion.  And I was good at my job and I learned to be a mother and I was surrounded daily by examples of how to be a woman who was not a narcissist and I saw men who didn’t abuse their children, and learned what I deserved from a man.

Life is an interesting road of awakening— if you let it be, and it’s an interesting road of going to sleep.  When I live my life with my eyes wide open, I start to notice a pattern, I loved all things medicinal— I had books on herbs, water therapy, natural remedies, and I even had an aromatherapy company called Beauty and the Bath for 5 years making herbal bath things— and I learned to love from a company that was steeped in the Mormon faith— and I learned that I was worthy of living with my eyes open.

Then I found yoga, and it was if my body started to remember itself because I was moving it— allowing it to breath, allowing it to be held allowing it to open and I was starting to feel spacious— and sore and i wanted to know so much more— where I dove into anatomy like a vengeance— I studied everything and couldn’t get enough— and I studied some more— and I started to notice a pattern to myself— the longing for understanding was still there— stronger than ever— and then I realized that I am a teacher— a student, a mover, and a spiritual being born of Original Tenderness and now I study the body and spirituality from a healthy place— a place of not wanting to know I’m not crazy but that I am Divine ❤