Where is the fire?
The fire is there on the hill
But I don’t see it there
You can see it if you are really bent upon seeing it
Are you afraid of being engulfed by it?
Then you can’t see it
Have courage, no fear
You are sure to SEE IT
As a yoga practitioner, a true practitioner not one for show in Instagram, but an Aim seeking, down in the mud of yourself practitioner you need to stop searching for “enlightenment” and start getting to Work. Maybe it starts for you as a little spark — a feeling of freedom— you felt what it was like to breathe in meditation or asana or sitting at the stop light. You may have felt a spark by noticing freedom in others, or an insightful book passage or vivid dreams or visions. But there was a moment where the undeniable force of awakening started a fire in you— or you wouldn’t be reading this…
I have felt the spark— I have set a fire— and I find that more times than not my neurosis wants to take over, because I have lost trust in myself as a fire starter— I feel the spark of Awakening and then ego takes over and I doubt myself and fall asleep— it’s that simple.
I experience now more often than not the ability to catch myself opening to ego— I can Wake Up feel pretty good, make some choices out of my unconscious patterning and then again I fall asleep. I think the thing that happens is that I don’t feel worthy enough to remain awake — like I have not served my “time”— I should have more suffering (this might be Catholic upbrining with plenty of guilt ;))— it’s endless the obstacles I place before myself— conscious and unconscious. I Wake Up and fade into sleep, Wake Up and fade into sleep. My teacher Lee says, “Ego believes its own show.” Meaning if I lie long enough I’ll believe it— this is what is called “Fake it til you make it——this might be where I place the Instagram teachers— yes they may have taken a weekend training in facilitating a scripted class— and truthfully they may be smarter and more advanced on the path than I am— but the “outside persona” seems like a roadblock to me— have we lost our clarity in order to be “Fancy”— I know how cynical that sounds, and I’m willing to own it— I don’t think I’m better—I’ve learned from experience how “fake it till you make it” can be detrimental to all parties concerned– as a teacher a true Teacher the path is long, windy and really scary– to show your true self is not an act of Instagram success — it’s looking into the mirror or yourself and finding your integrity to stay on the path no matter how hard or long.
I was asked once by a prospective student if I had a portfolio of poses I could offer them so they could see how I taught— I hung up on them— but this question has rooted in me and pushed me to become more clear in the way I want to teach and the way I want to be perceived as a teacher. I want to help start a fire— I want to open the opportunity to breathe— I want to invite someone to have the courage to feel worthy enough to come to class— none of those things will happen if I show you a picture of me doing a yoga pose—
One of my teachers Lalitha says, All Obstacles Removed, No Resistance Remains— Avignam Astu Sarve— I chant this — when I notice my ego (obstacle) when I understand my neurosis are stopping by (obstacle) and when I want to be saved. All Obstacles Removed— that’s a huge deal— that means I have to acknowledge them— I have to be awake enough to recognize them and only then can no resistance remains. So I practice— because practice is all I have to #remembermyself no one and nothing can wake me up— I have to recognize the spark of Awakening I have to #keepmyaim