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A Critical Voice

Basic goodness, that is how we are born, without question we are birthed by joy.  Judgement is not how we were born, judgement is our manufacturing by parents, media, culture.  Making you feel bad is how you can be controlled— feeling less than is our cultural norm.  I’ve found I have to give myself permission to not be in constant battle with myself— I need to remember to unify.  I do this by releasing the grip of past experiences, relationships, dogma— I live now, what can i do today to move myself forward.

I lived my life for years, trying to right the wrongs of my parents, myself, my friends, this culture as a woman— and my Teacher Lee says, the past is the past you can’t change it— you can live in life today and move forward.  When I first heard that it struck me with complete and utter fear— not try to improve myself, not beat myself up at nauseam daily to then just fall into bed and relive the whole day, my whole life of redoing— that sounded absurd— and then it hit me, I really can’t go back and hope my mother changes, I can’t live seeking her approval— it’s not coming— and I’m losing myself in the search for her pat on the head.  Now I look back and realize that was her shit, not mine— I have my own and it’s deep enough I can’t try and go back 40 years to replay and hope for a different outcome.  When I released myself from this cramp I literally physically felt different more in tune with myself.  I became more attuned to my own humanness that did not rely on pulling myself daily through the mud.

The Voice is still there, but I have allowed myself to become natural with her, I no longer allow her to eat my attention.  My attention is used now to stay in my body to respond rather than react— this does not happen often but when it does it’s like magic— The Voice for a moment does not root in me— I’m not projecting and I don’t receive projection— maybe for that moment, but if I pay attention for that moment, then I connect to my Divine Blessing Force— which is more important and more nourishing than breaking myself down everyday.


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