I took a workshop from an amazing teacher last night— on confidence under pressure— there are ways we all deal with stress—
1. the ostrich method— if we ignore it it’s not there
2. the it’s all good method- the Pollyanna approach
3. Defensiveness- I must protect against everyone who is out to get me
4. Indeciveness- should I brush my teeth or not
5. self deprication - this is my favorite one, I’m a professional here and in fact I will turn this self deprication into unworthiness within 2 seconds
We were to pick a partner in the room that we didn’t know........the facilitator had to be my partner, and I was shook at this— see this amazing teacher lives at the Ashram of my Guru— he ”sees” me— totally without blinders— I was FREAKING out— I could not hide behind my stellar personality and wit— in that moment of panic, I decided that this “Stress” that I was feeling was really me doing all 5 of the stress avoiders— and non of them were going to work— my partner WROTE the BOOK we are studying. So I became that which nothing took root in.......and I answered each of his questions truthfully and with my heart beating, I looked him in the eye and answered: I want true connection when he asked me what I really wanted right now. And as my inner self screamed, what the actual fuck are you saying!!! I continued, I’m tired of being a peacock who performs when I teach, i want to teach without the fear that people don’t like me— I need to stop checking in for affirmation and just teach what I know. I COULD NOT STOP TALKING! And in the horror of the situation I realized, this was my deepest desire and my deepest fear— TO TRULY BE SEEN—
I replayed this conversation 10 times in the last 12 hours, every word, every breath taken between words how he held my gaze not searching for me but seeing me.
The thing is my teacher in that moment, my brother on the path is powerfully awake— he doesn’t live in the land of sleepwalkers— he has moved out and in moving out he listens with every fiber of his being when in this situation— he no longer hides— hiding is not an option is it a detriment to the Work. And what in the fuck have I been doing for 12 years of teaching— I have been searching for the validation I never received as a child. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a good teacher, I’m clear, strong, and knowledgeable, but in my search for self validation I removed my students capacity to be in their own body in their own class feeling their own Work. This realization was raw and messy and felt like a bomb went off in my chest— and in the ashes of myself I realized that this gift given to me by my brother Rick Lewis was pre destined— I was, being that which nothing took root in, therefore I was available to the teachings of something bigger than me, of my Guru who spoke through Rick because I couldn’t hide and I was listening with the ear of my heart.
I move into another faze of teaching, the faze of vulnerability with the love of myself and my knowledge and my capacity to truly teach!