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Fear of the Dark

Change and transformation happen in the dark with no sound— Lee Lozowick

Since I was a child I have been deathly afraid of the dark… I still find that I hold my breath walking in the dark—in the dark I feel unprotected, as if all the things I can see during the day have turned sinister and can come get me. For years the dark seemed to hold trouble, trouble that came so close I could feel it’s breath on my neck— and I was there helpless and vulnerable.

As I got older and I opened myself— the darkness has now taught me that most of the things that worried me in the dark are not my own— they have been passed to me during the daylight hours as if they were precious things. Things I had to control and “fix” or control and “put away” or CONTROL. I find the daylight taught me that I am here to fulfill all kinds of human ambition—(AIMS) To grow wealthy, influential and powerful—- Or to become wise, albeit in a worldly way. Am I good enough am I good enough am I good enough???? I forgot that in the middle of the night instead of worrying who/what is going to eat me, I needed to surrender into the darkness and release not fight against.

I awoke one night and had a realization that to connect with the Divine, I had to connect with nature and to connect with nature I had to awaken to the dark— dark in all forms, darkness in myself and fears of what the dark held— and so I began walking in the dark— the world is different at night— quiet sacred and vulnerable. And in the darkness I felt surrounded and protected, I started breathing and started a long standing relationship with transformation— it was during this time that I talked to my Guru— I talked to my Grandfather Guru and I found the light of myself.

Prolactin is the “attachment hormone” it is also the hormone that keeps mammals still during sleep and is released in nursing mothers when they are nursing to help them stay still and attentive to their babies— this hormone creates a feeling of security, quietness and peace. And it is intimately and biologically tied to the dark. Entering the darkness and staying there without taking my phone or even a flashlight and the darkness like a lover took me into its embrace. In the “Song of Songs” it states, “I sleep but my heart is awake” this is a powerful reading for me and a powerful lesson— I read many books on KALI the Goddess of the dark— or so many gravitate toward that story of Kali— I fell deeply in love with Kali because of her compassion, that in the midst of the dark battle with the 1000 warriors formed from every drop of her blood— she heard a baby crying, she turned and began to feed the baby— in the midst of the darkest hour her heart was awake. My Aim is to stay vigilant to as much darkness as I do light— so that as I sleep my heart remains open.

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