It might sound like a small thing. It is not. If we cannot be reliable to our commitments we should not make the commitment. If we cannot be reliable to our commitments, at some point on the Path that lack of reliability will effectively sabotage our attempts at Aim. —Lee Lozowick
Reliability of knowing Truth, and living based on what we know is central to the path of AIM.
In the beginning there is always struggle with commitment to practice; it’s almost expected and natural—committing to practice is hard, staying with meditation is hard- being reliable is also hard.
Most people when they begin a practice, think it’s like it looks on Facebook— sit in lotus, breath and poof enlightenment— but reliability grows slow like a seed, the seed longs to know it’s potential and begins in the dark and with no sound— to germinate— to start to send out its tendrils of awareness. This seed of reliability has a driving passionate inner certainly that begins to WAKE US UP— and this reliability can happen even if we are asleep. It starts small we start to pay more attention to details, maybe the next day we forget about reliability, but that seed that has been planted in the core of our being— whether we feel it outwardly or not— it is constantly sending out radiant tendrils and has tremendous potential to grow.
Truthfully my practice falls apart regularly— I start to question my commitment, or maybe I haven’t been fully participating within my practice and then WHAMMO I start to defeat myself— I start to sabotage what is just beginning to sprout——with the shield of perfection— I use my failed attempts to practice against myself— twisting them into weapons of self destruction. This is my Ego in full excuse mode… and then I begin again— and I #remembermyself as Organically Innocent— that reliability to my practice, to my AIM is the seed I’ve planted.
One of the ways I #remembermyself as reliable is to keep my word at all costs— I try to never deviate from this. I want to be true to my reliability because in the end, I want to show up for my life in all that it is as it is.
Many times especially in our culture, or at least my generational culture there was a lot of wiggle room when it came to rules— alcoholism will do that, no one remembers the rules—
I’ve realized that to be a person of my word I need to carefully observe myself without judgement— my practice should not be another thing to beat myself up about— if my practice becomes that, then I fall into some incredible quicksand of self destruction. Therefore I have to develop discipline, effort to keep the promises that I make to myself first— I’ve learned along the way that my relationship to myself is exactly the relationship I get from others— it’s a mirror.
Reliability is powerful to me because words, promises and interactions have power. When I say your name, or speak to you a mood is created within our relationship— that same mood is created within myself when I start to judge my actions based on failures and inconsistency. I know myself well enough to know that if I don’t keep my word, a downhill spiral ensues — I’ve spent a lot of time in that downward spiral, and how I pulled myself out of it was to clearly awaken in my own conversations with myself— from my childhood as an Italian Catholic I was given the understandings of the 10 commandments— it’s interesting that as a non Christian I have a deep relationship to the devotion that I was mirrored as a child. I remember and think often about “Thou shall not kill.” Here’s my take on that— my childhood was horrific, no need to go into it—but my narcissistic mother and alcoholic father in their words, actions and complete devoid relationship to being anything close to reliable, would kill me everyday with their lack of reliability— I grew up with empty promises, as is the life of an alcoholicly raised child— my mothers voice creates a mood in me which triggers a reaction every time— it is a physical recoil— a death of some sort— for a long time I was unaware of how large of a role this played in my life— I killed many relationships because I could not understand reliability and I would become incredibly unpleasant when someone “forgot” a promise or created a mood of inadequacy where I was concerned.
When I began to peel the layers of manufacturing away— I woke up to reliability and just how incredible it is to my Aim, to my life and to those that I love and show love towards. My train of thought becomes my train of word— if I welcome in words and gesture what is great within me, I feel more reliable to my Organic Innocence — what I’ve also found is that this is not easy— because my train of thought becomes my train of word— Holding firm to my Aim keeps me reliable— it’s really that simple. Here’s another secret I’ve realized- the sound of my body is my word— If I #remembermyself by keeping my attention in my body instead of searching outside myself for validation.
I have many compartments in my life to associate with— mother, teacher, friend if I can hold myself reliable by being transparent— not being a different person to each compartment but always in my body first, then kind generous and compassionate is what the seed has been germinating—I think I might have a fighting chance to Stay Awake, remain reliable and #keepmyaim