We are most afraid of losing what is inherently true for us as embodied beings, love, friendship, connection. In yoga we call this feeling the Anava Mala, the cramp of your heart, where you feel removed from love– a mala is a vail, a wall, a shroud– this veil comes to us as sure as breath, without much fight we agree with the fact that we are outside of love. I liken this to our fundamentalist Christian upbringing that are born of Original Sin- that we are told without speech, but by paying attention to those around us that we must, walk a 1000 miles on our knees repenting– nothing has driven me more crazy than this– born of Original Sin– my teacher Lee says, we are born of Original Tenderness- that we are born with all things perfect within and without us, meaning we are not outside of love, we are love itself- love cannot exist without our embodied presence. And I think that is maybe where things go haywire, because for some crazy reason for years of genetics, we have a belief system that says we are not enough. I find that this is the hardest veil to shake– because when I feel the most vulnerable, I feel the most unloved, and I think that’s crazy because being vulnerable is being loved– I think of my first love.
I was so tender, so young, so open– without a sound love found me, I never searched for it. In fact, gravity becomes an amazing teacher of love, not one person has flown off the earth, not one person even the most undesirable has been released– we are all held by the love of gravity– and maybe because it’s always there, this love that holds us securely that we take it for granted– until we don’t until we are a heap lying on the floor in a puddle of unwinding that we remember we are wanted- we were embodied not to suffer the “sins” of others but in spite of it to grow in love, to hold and be held. Awakening to love isn’t easy, but it is possible– not the fairy tale love but love secure like gravity and boundless like the sky… I will keep remembering, because feeling out of love is so habitual, so seductive, and yet so is remembering.