Tuesday WAKE UP CALL
Work or work
This is such a big teaching— My Guru was very big on “what are you doing with your time?” He challenged people (He died before I met him) as I’m told to be superhuman— to live their days in the Work.
It’s amazing to have his words to read and his talks to listen to— it’s big food and I can digest it on my own time— I’m not challenged really about it, I read and listen at my own pace— I have community members to help me along the way but no one really Pushes me. And I know that this is what I want— his Pushing- I can become “lazy” in the Work— move at my own pace— I know that if he was around my true potential would be challenged and celebrated. So I live my life as if he was — sitting in my classes, listening to my conversations, being present to my bullshit excuses and when I tune into that – I am challenged to WAKE UP and live in my Work.
I remember a cold November day, no ordinary day really— I was researching for a workshop I was putting together— lots of screen time— I was determined to complete the PowerPoint presentation that day— I was ready —-surrounded by books, my notes, my sequences and I lit a candle— this is a ritual I have to set the mood of my attention.
I was SO ready to settle down— and then it was no big deal, but a message popped onto my screen, this was not urgent and I could really get back to this person anytime; but I chose to reply-no problem, I’m quick, I can chat in and chat out. I had serious Work to do. Teaching a workshop is a lot of responsibility, I was really excited to shoulder it and I was so ready to dive in— another message came in- I took the bait and my attention in that moment was caught and I spent nearly an hour chatting and then surfing the internet.and then noticed the dryer stopped so I sprang into action to fold clothes, then I had to remake my coffee, then I decided since I was up I might as well do the dishes-takes but a minute to load the dishwasher-I remember distinctly thinking if I clean my space my mind will be clearer and I will not be pulled away- now I could really focus.
As I look back what is so bizarre to me is that I LOVE teaching, more than really anything that I do- I love research I love diving in I love explanations and I love putting it all together and I love making booklets to hand out (weird I know). I can and have sat for hours on end researching Fascial lines, biomechanical movements, what sounds better and what word illicits responses from deep within the body— and yet faced with this Huge project, I chose to do work— small tasks that I performed as shields of sabotage to my true Work.
I cannot tell you how many times in my life I have chose work over Work even subconsciously in order to bitch about not having time to Work. This became fascinating to me— what the fuck am I doing this for? I’m driven, passionate and educated — and yet I can be derailed so easily— I realized that this is the Work, to notice without judgement when this is happening so that I don’t beat myself up the rest of the day and create a mountain of regret. See I also became aware that regret is a coat I wear proudly- if I start to feel bad, beat myself up then I feel comfortable— poor me. This is my childhood protection mechanism, if I could give myself permission to feel less than, well no one else could— and I was shielded from anything anyone could say.
I’m vigilant to my work creeping into my day— I can waste a whole day on work and lose some incredible opportunities to dive into the Work- I still find work when I should be Working but I’m aware of my attention being eaten by things that I’m surrounding myself with to stay a sleepwalker- I know that Work and lots of it is how I #keepmyaim – it also keeps me awake and alive in my life.